Time for a new chapter

It's almost 2 PM and I can slowly feel the anxiety getting worse. It's nothing new, as I have been feeling like this for days. I am always stressed and filled with anxiety, for unknown reasons. No matter how hard I try, it just doesn't go away. I have to admit, though, that right now the stress and anxiety is so bad that I have the feeling I will throw up or pass out. Is it an overreaction? Maybe. But right now it doesn't feel like that. 

In about 2 more hours my psychologist will ring my doorbell, she will come upstairs, we will sit down at the table in my bedroom because that's where we have most privacy and it's nice and quiet there. Then, when we are both sitting she will ask me how I am doing and how the last 4 weeks have been. As always my answer will be "I'm okay I guess", she will ask me what's wrong, and I will give her the same answer I always give; "I don't really know". After this little small-talk, she will tell me that it's over. That after 3 years of therapy I will have to do it alone. She will tell me what I already know, that after all this time there is no progress anywhere, except for my trauma/PTSD problems. She will tell me this because after all that time I still can't go outside, at least, not really. I always thought that I could do this on my own tempo, and I feel that I did make some progress. I can go outside now if we get into the car and go to Daniel's parents or his grandmother, which, in my opinion, is a pretty big thing. But it's not good enough, and my team of therapists has no idea what to do anymore. 

People keep telling me that it's the fault of the therapists and not mine. But it feels like it's my fault, it feels as though I am just a complete and utter failure, it feels as if I will never get better. That I will forever be just that girl with an anxiety disorder, the girl with agoraphobia, and believe me when I tell you that it's one of the worst feelings ever. 

Around 5 PM my psychologist will leave, and it will most likely be the last time I will see her. After today I have to figure it out on my own. I don't have my trusted psychologist anymore to help me get through my horrible periods of depression, I don't have her anymore to figure out why I have these problems, why I can't go outside, or why I am stressed all the time without any good reason. It's just me now. Sure, I have Daniel, and my best friend who will support me, but they can't really do anything about it either. 


So today I wear my Wonder Woman necklace, because for some reason it makes me feel like I can do anything, and I will say goodbye to this huge chapter of my life. It's time to start a new chapter, in which I do it all on my own. Because to be honest, I am also getting a little bit sick of therapy. They keep pushing me to use medication even though I have told them I do not want that, and I am sick and tired of always needing help. 

5 movies I want to see this year

It's almost October, which, for me, means that I have already seen most of the movies that were on my list for 2016. And while I have already seen so many movies this year, I am still not satisfied until I have seen all of them. And that is something that really bothers me with some people. There are a lot of people who are yelling "THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR", and they started doing this with Deadpool, CA: Civil War, and Batman v Superman. Now, don't get me wrong, I loved all of those movies and they were all great, but you simply cannot, and should not say stuff like that before you have seen all the movies that have come out this year.

Right now there are (at least) 5 more movies I need to see this year before I can really start making my "best movies of 2016" list. For 3 of those movies I have very, extremely high expectations, so I am a little nervous about them. Anyhow, here are my 5 movies for this year I am really looking forward to.

5. Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children.

So this is a movie I know absolutely nothing about. I've been meaning to read the books for a while now but still haven't gotten the chance to buy the books. But, just because I don't know anything about the books, doesn't mean I can't be excited about this movie. It's a Tim Burton film, which usually gets me pretty excited because I love most of his movies, except for the Alice movies ( I just expected a lot more from those and was hoping for an American McGee's Alice vibe). Not quite sure what to expect for this movie, but it seems fun enough to be on number 5!

4. Inferno.


I am a huge, HUGE fan of Dan Brown and the movie adaptions of his books. I'm also a huge Tom Hanks fan because, well, come on, the guy is awesome. Plus, Dante is someone who intrigues me. I'm not quite sure how high my expectations are for this one, because this will be the 3rd Dan Brown movie, and, in my experience, after 2 movies, a trilogy or saga always starts getting kind of "meh".

3. Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.


Number 3 goes out to this hopefully Fantastic (see what I did there?) movie. Let's be honest here.. can you really go wrong with anything Harry Potter, combined with fantasy beasts? I think not! There is really not much to say about this movie or why I am excited for it.. Most people who know me, know that I grew up with Harry Potter, and that, after all this time (with some tiny ups and downs) it still gives me a happy.

2. Doctor Strange.


Confession time: I don't really know Doctor Strange just yet. I mean, I know how amazingly, insanely powerful he is, and I know some little facts about him and have seen him in some other comic books, but I have never really gotten into the character. The reason why I am so excited for this movie is because, in my opinion, it's different from other superhero movies, especially from other Marvel movies. It kind of has this.. Batman Begins x Inception feeling to it, at least that's how I feel. Another reason is that, over the last few years, I have started appreciating Benedict Cumberbatch a lot more. Not that I hated him, but I wasn't a huge fan of him either until I saw Sherlock. Anyhow, the movie look awesome already and I am so excited!

1. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story.


Obvious choice is extremely obvious.. but come on... STAR WARS.. WITH A BAD-ASS FEMALE LEAD. AND DARTH VADER. AND STAR WARS. Star Wars can just do no wrong in my book, even the movies that are slightly disappointing are still awesome. The thing that makes me so excited for this movie is that the main character is a strong, female character with a great attitude. At least, it seems like that so far in the trailers. The other great thing about this movie? All the new Star Wars merchandise. Want to hear another great thing? All the sexist men who are complaining about Jyn Erso. Another cool thing? Donnie Yen. Still not excited? Okay... HANNIBAL (Mads Mikkelsen) WITH A FREAKING LIGHTSABER. Need another reason to get excited? Fine... FUCKING DARTH VADER. If these things do not give you the littlest happy, I don't know what will. I am BEYOND excited for this and I have HUGE expectations. And the movie will be as amazing as I think it will, then this will most likely end up being my number 1 movie of 2016. 

Later nerds! 

Loot Lately #1: August & September


You know what I like? Seeing photos/posts of cool stuff other people bought. I don't know why but it always makes me happy. Writing about the things I bought or received is also something I really love to do, so I thought that it would be fun to make "loot lately" a thing!

The last 2 months I have gotten quite a lot. In August I had my birthday, so I got some amazing gifts and bought awesome stuff with birthday money. And this month we just bought some random things!

Spider-Gwen Funko
My first birthday present was from Daniel. He got me this adorable Spider-Gwen Funko. While I haven't read all of them yet, I absolutely love the Spider-Gwen comics, and she quickly became one of my favorite Marvel characters. Her attitude is amazing and she is just adorable.

Bob
This is Bob. Bob is a pink unicorn. Okay, this might seem random, but I happen to love unicorns. My dear friend Emma knew about this and decided to get me one for my birthday. Bob is one of those fun hot-water-bottle-holder-apparatus-machines, and I love him. Since my birthday was in the middle of summer I have not had the opportunity yet to properly use him, so I am very much looking forward to really cold weather. However, Buffy does love him.

Pezes! Pezi? Pez's.... stuff?
Okay so the Batman Pez was another birthday gift from Emma and it made me all happy on the inside and I might have squeaked when I opened it. With this she started a new collection of mine because ever since I got Batman I have been looking for more Pezes to collect. So a few weeks ago Daniel brought home a Darth Vader Pez and now they both look bad-ass in my bookcase. It's just so hard to find fun ones over here!

Star Wars books
These were a birthday gift from another friend. They have been on my wishlist for quite some time so I was really happy that I finally got them. So far I have only read the Jedi Path, and I'm a few pages into the Book of Sith. They aren't very thick books, but since it's still quite warm here, reading is no fun. The only thing I dislike is that the Jedi Path is a very fragile book. I've been very careful with it but all the corners, the back, and the front are damaged, which makes me a little sad because they are so pretty to look at.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season: Season 8, Volume 1, Library Edition
This is probably one of my favorite things right now. Buffy is one of my all time favorite things, and even though I read some of the comic books before, I just needed to have the huge hardcover editions of them. This is one of the things I bought with my birthday money and I finished it way too fast. So now I obviously need to get the rest.

Harry Potter 1-3
Harry Potter is my all-time favorite book series. I grew up with it and when I was younger I had a TON of merchandise and even my own Harry Potter themed bedroom, wallpaper and everything! Sadly I didn't have the books anymore so I had to look for some new ones. While I am mostly a hardcover person, I am also a sucker for pretty artwork, and I didn't like any of the cover art of the hardcovers. Then I saw these gorgeous paperbacks and I was in love instantly. I ordered the first 3 because Autumn is (hopefully really) coming (soon) and that is the perfect time to re-read these books. Hopefully I can buy the rest of the series soon!

Poe, Finn, and Leia
Star Wars is my all-time favorite thing. Daniel and I decided that we really needed more Star Wars merchandise, but we didn't really have a lot of money. Luckily our usual merchandise store had a huge sale on Star Wars merch so we decided to buy some Funkos! It was a really hard choice because all of them were so awesome and super cheap, but eventually we went for these 3. Later we even found out that the Finn one is an exclusive. They are just so cute all together!

Mad Love and other stories
Mad Love is (so far) my all time favorite comic book, and how could it not be? It's completely amazing. First of all.. I mean.. HARLEY. Second of all the comic book is just really really good. I actually wanted to get the hardcover but I couldn't find that anywhere, which turned me into a sad unicorn. But eventually I decided to just go for the paperback, and now it's being all pretty on my Batman shelve!

That's it for now! I hope I can do one of these posts again soon!

Once More, With Feeling


A new blog, again. The last one-and-a-half years I've been having trouble really finding my way with blogging. The thing is, I always start out with the idea that I just want to blog for myself and not care about comments and such. But after a little while I always start getting frustrated when I don't get (enough) comments, so then I try to write about things OTHER people would like, and not what I like.

This time, I know it will be different. Currently I also only follow 2, maybe 3 blogs and I feel comfortable with that, with just going to blogs and reading them without being in this huge "bloggers group". Don't get me wrong, I get why people like that, those huge blogging communities, but it's just not me. For some reason, it puts me under a lot of pressure, and that's not a good thing, obviously! 

So, once more, with feeling. Writing about what I like, what I love, what I do, and I might even get more personal and write about my mental illness.. We shall see!